In The Meantime- Part 1: I See You
Recently, in a group setting, a
friend shared some seriously tough things she is dealing with. At the end of
her story she said, “But it’ll all be OK.” Another woman in the group replied
with, “Yay, but in the meantime…” I didn’t hear how she finished. My mind instantly
started thinking about the first half of her sentence. When I’m going through
tough stuff I often feel it’s necessary to wrap a nice bow on my circumstances,
and tell everyone that “God is good” or “I know I’ll be stronger in the end” or
“It’ll all be OK one day”. In actuality, sometimes there’s a very long meantime.
As Andy Williams sings it best, “It’s the most wonderful
time of year!” But not for everyone.
I see you friend who is hurting. I see you friend who is
struggling with anxiety, fear, and depression. I see you friend who desperately
wants to conceive. I see you friend going through a miscarriage. I see you
friend whose baby should have been in your arms this holiday season. I see you
friend who lost your husband to an insane tragedy. I see you friend whose
mother is in Heaven, and not with you. I see you friend who lives overseas and
suffers with loneliness. I see you friend who deals with intense stress over seeing
family during the holidays. I see you friend who would rather stay home with
your family then have to travel with little ones. I see you friend whose
husband is fighting for our country, and can’t be by your side. I see you
single friend who aches to have a man by your side. I see you friend whose
boyfriend broke your heart. I see you friend whose child is diagnosed with the
unthinkable.
Exactly three years ago, that was me.
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| (Have you seen Inside Out?! So good!) |
thousands. It felt like millions. And that day was no different. “Not Pregnant”
flashed across the tiny screen, mocking me. Mocking my hopes. Mocking my
dreams. Cutting my heart like a knife. Since one normally takes a pregnancy
test in quite an undignified position, the surroundings of a bathroom only seemed
to make the negative results that much more unbearable.
two years of “trying” to get pregnant, after two babies had come and gone in
the blink of an eye, my heart couldn’t bare it anymore. I collapsed into a heap
on the floor. I fell halfway between the bathroom and hallway. My feet
laid weak on the tile, while my head rested on the sterile beige carpet. The
sobs wracked me. Absolutely shook my body. The pain was too great to contain so
the sounds that escaped my throat were unrecognizable. The wails that came out
of me sounded like a wounded animal about to die. The sounds scared me. Those
sounds still haunt me.
Christmas was just weeks away, and our second baby would
have been due right around that time. I often wonder about my first two
children. What are their genders? What are their personalities? I find myself
feeling bad for our second baby. There was a lot of grief hoopla over
our first lost baby. But when we lost the second, I didn’t have it in me to grieve that
deeply and darkly again. I was afraid I wouldn’t survive. Our second baby
holds his/her own special place in my heart. He/she was due at Christmas time.
We would have had a Christmas baby. A Christmas will never pass by where I
won’t ponder that sweet second child. He/she is very real. Very much alive in
the sweet arms of Jesus.
ache I felt over our losses. I lived to see a positive pregnancy test. It was
all-consuming. My heart knew no other desire. But Jesus knew. He has
always shown up to guide the way, but never how I would have imagined.
That year He unexpectedly showed up through the eyes of a little
boy named Samuel.
3 thoughts on “In The Meantime- Part 1: I See You”
Abigail, I feel like this post raised the bar on your blog. You are such a creative writer and refreshingly transparent. Love it!
Ok…so I spent A LOT of time getting to know you through your blog. That's the problem I have with blog world… I tend to get lost in it.
I love this post! yes! That's what we need sometimes…knowing that someone sees us. And sees us in our pain because it is easy to feel forgotten in the struggle!
I don't know all of your story but it sounds like you have an incredible story to share. and Women need story that points them to Jesus…they need hope and encouragement. I will be excited to read along! Wonderful words!
I love that phrase – 'but in the meantime'. I just listened to a sermon about that very thing and it was pretty convicting for me. It is so tempting to either get lost in depression and doubt God during the rough seasons of life or to just put a fake smile on your face and pretend that you're OK, everything's OK. Great post, friend. You know what I've been through and you know where God has brought us now. His faithfulness during times when we doubted that I'd ever get pregnant again just amaze me.